Violet will be an only child
Due to age, ill health, and the pandemic Violet will be an only child. But maybe that isn’t a bad thing.
Yesterday I was reading Kevin Maguire's brilliant The New Fatherhood newsletter, which I would recommend to all dads. He asked the question:
This weekend I wanted to ask you all how many kids do you have, and how many would you like? Are you one and done? If you had a second, how did that change things? And if you’re the proud owner of a minivan and hoping to fill it with your offspring, I want to know all about it.
Almost without thinking, I replied:
We have one, Violet, and that will be it. Sometimes it makes me so sad; when we are reading at bedtime, I tell her the other children in the books are cousins; I am not ready for her to ask and have to explain she won't have brothers and sisters. I had four, and looking back, it was brilliant (if crowded). But it has been too hard: older parents, miscarriages, traumatic birth, pandemic and post natal depression for 2 years, which means neither of us wants to have a second, we are just too bruised. Anyway, Violet has loads of cousins, which will have to be enough. It did make me almost cry when the clinic wrote to ask what we wanted them to do with the other embryo. I ignored the letter and hope I can deal with it next year (not very grown-up).
I decided to explore this a little more. It had been a hard few days when I replied and maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself. So questions:
- Should you make a decision when so mentally bruised - Is it true, or will we reconsider?
- Implications of being an only child - Will being an only child impact Violet?
- Experience of having a big family - What has having brothers meant to me?
- How to make the decision - Do Elsie and I agree, should we discuss this more explicitly
I am going to try and answer them over the coming weeks, but now (a week later), I am still sure we won't have another baby. I will try and be the best dad I can but just to Violet.
The New Fatherhood
If you want to read much better written and more well-researched material about being a dad and other things I would really recommend The New Fatherhood. Kevin covers a lot of areas and has built a nice and supportive community on both the Substack comments section and the associated network. It is maybe a little too focused on wellness for me, but that said I have enjoyed a lot of his writing.
Kevin Maguire
